Game Over

Game Over. Final Score: 37,584 pts.

Huh, that's odd, I thought as I looked into the darkness. I thought when people died, they were supposed to see a bright light. Well at least it wasn't completely dark, I thought as I stared again at the words in front of my face. Game Over, what the hell could it mean? And why did that score look so familiar? "Does this mean that it was all just a game?" I said aloud to no one. I got up and the words moved from right in front of my face to just barely noticeable at the top right of my vision. Wherever I looked those words would hang there. Game Over. Final Score: 37,584 pts. And still I had no idea what it meant. Or what it was about the score that looked so familiar.

Suddenly, there was a blinding flash. When my eyes finally recovered, I saw that it wasn't just me here... wherever I was supposed to be. Instead, there was thousands, maybe even tens of thousands. People spread out across a white room that seemed to stretch out forever. It was actually amazing I didn't manage to bump into anyone as I was wandering in the darkness.

As I turned to survey the landscape, my eyes naturally focused on one man just a short walk away. A man in a white robe and long hair, sandals on his feet. An aura radiated from him, one of warmth and peace.

"Hello," he said, spreading his arms wide to welcome all of us, "Welcome my brothers and sisters. I am - "

"Dude, are you fucking Jesus Christ!" shouted a man next to me. I elbowed him in the ribs, hoping that I could get at least one extra point for prodding anyone who interrupted Jesus.

The man scratched the back of his head, clearly embarrassed by the sudden outburst. "Yes, as I was saying. I am Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior, and welcome to my kingdom," he said.

"When do we restart?," another man shouted several feet away. A murmur went up all around us as everyone else who felt the same way made their voices heard as well.

Jesus turned in a circle, slowly as if to take in everyone around him. "Um, you don't. You all died. There is no going back." He chuckled slightly to himself. "Don't you think if it were so easy to just restart, more people would've already done it?"

"Then why give us a Game Over screen if there is no way to restart?!" someone shouted from the other side of the room. The crowd erupted again.

At that point, Jesus just smiled and shrugged. "Honestly, I thought I was being clever. You see, the truth is we decided long ago to hold off Judgement for everyone until The End. So basically everyone who has ever died needed someplace to wait until it was all over. Kind of like a holding pen. We decided it would be more comfortable if you spent the time someplace ... familiar. Those who spent a lot of time in church get to wait outside some giant gates. Alcoholics spent it in a bar. Workaholics spent the time working. I was actually the one who thought up the idea of giving those who spent so much of their lives in these video games the Game Over screen."

Everyone stood silent, stunned. I had no idea what everyone else was thinking, but I know my inner voice was screaming. We hadn't been judged yet! I thought, I thought I had made it, but there was still a chance to be tortured for the rest of eternity. Did the points have anything to do with this? Did I have enough to get me in?

After a couple of seconds, Jesus clapped his hands together. "Well, let's have everyone line up now for judgment." Unsteadily, everyone began to form into something like a line in front of Jesus. One by one, someone would step forward and the two of them would speak for a bit before the judged moved forward and disappeared, to where though I have no idea.

And, step by step I moved closer and closer, still trying to figure out what it was about my final score that would decide where I go. My final score, I thought, it's got to be from a video game I've played. Think, think. And then it came to me. It was the last score I had on ____! That's basically the average! I've got to get in based on that score. I let out a breath of relief.

The man who first interrupted Jesus's welcoming speech stepped forward. They spoke for a minute before the man became animated, waving his arms in the air and stomping his feet. "But I've got over 700,00 points! What do you mean I can't get in?!" This went on for a couple more minutes before the man moved forward and disappeared the same way hundreds had before.

Over 700,000 points! How the hell was I supposed to get in if I didn't even have a tenth of what he had. I looked forward to see that I was only a couple of spots away now. Was it even possible to get that high of a score in _? Another step forward. I don't think I've even heard of any even scoring above 60,000 points. Another step forward. If it's not _ that he scored in, then how do our scores in different games determine if we get in or not? Another step forward. Perhaps our proficiency in the game itself was what we were judged upon?

Another step forward. "So, my son, what was your final score?" Jesus said, a smile upon his face.
I smiled back. "37,584," I said, "but points don't matter, does it?"

Jesus smiled. "Of course not," he said as he embraced me in a hug, "it's never about how much you've accumulated, but what you do with it."


To be perfectly honest, that was painful to write. Oh, trust me, I know it's bad. Definitely not up to the quality I expect from myself, but it's actually been a long time since I've written a story. I was doing so well too. I think I just got lazy for a while and then this past week, just as I was trying to get back into it, I got sick and couldn't concentrate on anything. But I've been told that if you want to write, then you have to write... and it's going to be bad. Terrible even. But that's just how it goes. Anytime you try to do something it's going to suck and it's going to suck for a while, for a long while and hopefully it gets better. Anyways, this was based off of the Reddit Writing Prompt "You die, but instead of going to Heaven you see the words, "Game Over" and your final score". To be honest, at the time, I was seeing a lot of these types of prompts and I thought they were stupid, but I finally gave in and wrote something for it. As you can see it really is just a bare bones, outline type story. There could be so much added to it, but I just don't want to do it. Well, that's enough of that, hopefully my next story is a lot better.

Pokemon Go has changed my life, a little

So, I started playing Pokemon Go a week ago

And yesterday, I learned how to take screenshots with my new phone

and I gotta say, it has been everything I hoped for, which was just basically to make walking fun again. I don't know about you, but I hate walking, more so now that I have access to a car 24/7. Yeah, I get that the game has some glitches (or maybe that's just my phone) and there are some things I'm hoping they develop soon (trainer battles?), but, in my opinion, it's lived up to the hype so far. The most unexpected thing about this game is the impact it is currently having on my life.

First off, let's get this out of they way: Why the hell did it take me so long to start playing? Well, as most of you know (and have possibly taunted me for), I had a Windows Phone. Yeah, so no Pokemon Go for me. About two weeks ago, I finally got around to getting a new phone (a horrible experience as the guys at T-Mobile couldn't figure out how to transfer any of my stuff, so, unless it was on my tiny SD card, it's all gone). But, I got a phone that supported the app so my life is complete.

Now, with this new phone I finally got around to playing ... everywhere: at work (not at my desk but when I walk around outside), when I walk the dog (more on that later), while I'm a passenger (if you don't have both hands on the wheel, are you technically no longer the driver?). Basically, anywhere I can get away with it. Unfortunately, I didn't upgrade my data plan so I'm still managing with a 1GB plan. Yes, that's not a typo. 1 GB. I've never needed more since we have wi-fi at home, the Sonic Wall at work doesn't block Reddit (don't tell my boss), my iPod still works perfectly, and I'm still really, really good at just fazing out of reality and day-dreaming. However, at the moment, I've run through almost 300mb of data. In an effort to play more, I've been limiting my data usage, even going so far as to turn off my data when I'm not using it. It's been getting the job done, though it does mean I'm getting Facebook notifications and messages, as well as anything else reliant upon data, much later (meh, if it's important, you'll text).

One thing that was immediately obvious to me was just how far behind I am in this game. Currently, the gyms around me are controlled by Pokemon all with CPs in the 1000s.

Looks like I got a long way to go. Luckily, I'm used to grinding it out thanks to games like Destiny (which I was legitimately addicted to all throughout The Taken King expansion); as well as Monster Hunter (which, recently, I have been playing an unhealthy amount thanks to my urge to catch up with my friends who are so much further along in that game as well, you bastards). However, grinding in this game means going outside, a place I've been avoiding. So, though I have realized that I'll need to go out and do things in the world once again if I'm going to get better Pokemon, I haven't fully committed to it yet. Ugh, outside.

Thanks to Pokemon Go, Candy now gets an extra lap around the block because, well, I need the steps (gotta hatch those eggs - Team Instinct!). Plus, there's a Pokestop on my street so that's three chances to hit it and collect those rewards. And before you go calling PETA and imagining that I'm dragging my poor dog around while I stare at my phone, trust me, she loves the extra walking time. Not spending extra time with me, she couldn't care less about who holds the leash. I think she just likes spending less time in the backyard. And there's not a chance that I can keep my eyes off of her for more than five seconds. Just today, after I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, in the time it took for me to pull my phone out and tap the Pokemon that had just appeared, she managed to sniff out and shove some random piece of something into her mouth. I'm not even sure if it was edible. She just chomped on it for a couple seconds before swallowing it. The other day, I'm pretty sure she ate a rock. So, our new walking technique has been to hold her leash with one hand and keep my other hand on my phone which is stored in my pocket as not to distract me from, well, her (damn dog).

Another reason I keep my phone in my pocket while I'm walking around is because I've become a little self-conscious about playing. You see, I've yet to see anyone else on my block playing Pokemon Go. No one. There's a couple people who walk their dogs, some folks who just go walking but none of them have their phones out. It took me a couple of days to remember that the largest demographic on my block are folks either near my parents age or older, and they all would probably think of me as "that guy who should stop playing kids' games." The next largest group I see around are kids under 12. I'd actually be surprised if any of them had a cellphone (mostly since I got mine in highschool, besides, you're 12, who do you know?). Anyways, I suspect that these kids just think of me as "that creepy guy still playing kids' games." Amendment: it's been pointed out to me that perhaps no one plays on my street because they don't appear as fast as other public places, like malls or parks, and that's why I don't see anyone playing. If that's the case, well, they are missing out.

And now, I'm sure everyone has one of these, but here's my most elusive Pokemon to catch story. I wish I could say that it was something as cool as a Gyarados or a Dragonite, but it is not. Not even close. It was an Ekans. A fucking Ekans! It took me four chances to catch that fucker. The first time it popped up on my screen, I was walking Candy. We were coming to the end of the street and beginning to cross when it appeared behind me. Before I could tap the screen, Candy decided now was the perfect time to break into a run. As tempting as it was to just yank her backwards while I caught the Ekans, I've always allowed Candy to dictate our pace so it meant running too. The second attempt was on the way to the orchid farm. As my dad is driving, I'm hitting every Pokestop between Nanakuli and Waianae. Then it appears, just at the edge of the circle, right behind the trainer symbol! Before I have a chance to rotate the screen, we drove to far away to catch it. Another day, as I'm walking Candy, it appeared again. This time I managed to tap the screen so now we're in capture mode. I'm throwing pokeballs, poorly. Finally, I throw one that misses, again, and it starts rolling away in the background. And keeps rolling. And keeps rolling. And keeps rolling. It takes me until we walked to the end of the street before I realized the game had glitched. I turned it off and then back on, but by then it was gone. Well, fourth time was eventually the charm and now I've got two of them.

And that's the best stories I've got so far. I'm sure there will be more Pokemon Go stories in the future and here's hoping that none of them include bodily injury... to my dog. At least I've got insurance, vet visits are expensive.

The Apocalypse Prevention Center

Jason: "Hello, you've reached the Apocalypse Prevention Center. My name is Jason. How may I help you today?"

Todd: "Um, is this real? Because I'm kinda out of options her-"

J: "Sir, please calmly state the nature of your world-ending situation. If this is not an emergency, please hang up the phone. We deal with very real crises here at the Apocalypse Prevention Center and have no time for prank calls."

T: "No, no, no. Please don't hang up. I do have a problem. A very real and serious problem."

Slight pause. J: "Okay, sir. Please state the nature of your emergency."

T: "I think my dad just activated some sort of Doomsday device or something. He was speaking gibberish. The only thing I could understand were the words, 'It'll all be over soon.'" Pause. "Then he ran into our basement. I followed, but I don't know, this doesn't look like our basement. I saw him in front of some machine. He was hitting buttons and stuff. Then he just turned around and. and. and he just shot himself. Just like that. Just right in the head."

J: "Okay, first off, I think your dad must've set up some sort of portal from your basement to this workshop you are currently in. That being said, since we do not have your current whereabouts, I'm going to need you to be my eyes. Can you first tell me about the device? Shape, size. Describe it and, if it is doing anything, please describe that as well."

Pause, roughly 1 minute. T: "It's silver, metallic, almost like a garbage can. Dozens of wires running in and out of the device. All colored too. Strange, stick-figure symbols all over the top and sides. A couple of unmarked buttons. A small screen, maybe the size of my cellphone. There's a half-dozen lines and dashes moving in weird combinations on the screen. There's also this whirring noise, like something is spinning inside of it.

15 sec Pause. J: "Okay, that's all very helpful. Now this part is going to sound weird, but I need you to look around the room. Do you perhaps see another, similar Doomsday device anywhere in the room with you?"

10 sec Pause. T: "Sorry, there's nothing else here." Pause. "May I ask why?"

J: "Sometimes we are able to neutralize one Doomsday device by setting off another within the vicinity. It was a 50/50 shot." Pause "I'm going to put you on hold for just a bit while I confer with some of my colleagues."

Hold recording plays: "Thank you for contacting the Apocalypse Prevention Center. Your call is very important to us as well as the rest of life here on Earth. Please stay on the line and we will get back to you shortly." Message loops 8 times.

J: "Thank you for holding. Okay, so I just finished talking with my analysts. Based on your information, we've determined the device to be not only alien in nature but also probably a bomb of some sorts."

T: "How the hell did you determine that?"

J: "According to our extraterrestrial analysts, the lines you describe match a word in the Worchat language, native to planet. Sorry, you probably don't care about any of that. Point is that, as everyone knows, since it is alien, any sort of magic does not work away from native soil so it can't be a summoning or anything of that nature. Also, without a congregation of followers at the event site, our religious specialists safely rule out any divine, Hand-of-God, Rapture-type event. With that we are left with a bomb. What we don't know exactly is if it is a high-explosive type or, less likely, a toxic gas." Pause. "Okay, good news, I've been told that the whirring sound you hear means the device isn't up to full speed yet, so we are just going to destroy it before it reaches critical."

Pause. T: "What do you mean, you're just going to destroy it?"

J: "Our number guys just found your position. Looks like you're about 2 miles below your house. That far down, we are certain we could destroy the device with little collateral damage. Depending upon how far the device has actually progressed, it could still destroy your particular block, but we are hoping no more than that." Pause. "Best case scenario if you ask me."

T: "No, that is not okay. I mean, I'm still down here. What about m-"

J: "Sorry sir, but I've been told that the missile is already on its way. I would like to thank you for using the Apocalypse Prevention Center."

Call ended.


This was kind of a rushed story, I'm not as happy with it as I should have been. It definitely took a lot longer to write than it should have, probably due to how busy I was last week and just basically not making time to write. Originally, it was written in prose form, but then, since the original prompt from reddit/writing prompts was "'Welcome to the Apocalypse Prevention Center.! How may I help you today?'" I definitely think I could have done a better job in prose form, but I'm just too busy to go back and edit it. On that note, though, I've been thinking about writing longer stories and this could definitely be expanded upon. I'm thinking a team that works at the Apocalypse Prevention Center, not just the guy answering the phone. Perhaps the analysts that solve the mysteries of the doomsday devices they encounter. Obviously the stakes are always high (end of the world stuff and all) so the story will also focus on the characters as well. Just a story idea, though this is sounding a lot like the "Global Frequency" comics.

The Wedding of Ser Birchwood and Glaurhurion

My troops and I rode hard up the hill toward the chapel. The last of the cavalrymen of Grandolheim. 200 strong men on horseback. Purple and gold banners fluttering above our heads. The gleam of the setting sun reflecting off of our armor. Hooves pounding the dirt road like thunder. Now was the time to end this scourge, no matter what some errant knight had to say about it.

As we approached, a giant, green troll, seven-feet tall and just as wide, barreled out of the church toward us. I lowered my lance and urged my horse forward. My lance drove through the troll's chest and out its back. At the same time, it managed to smash its massive fist into my horse, sending me sprawling onto the grass. I got up quick and drew my sword. Next to my pulverized horse, however, lay the dead troll. I turned to the chapel to see a horde mixed with monsters and humans stream out of the building. The thunder of hooves came to a stop behind me.

"What the hell do you think you are doing, Ser Angelhand?" Ser Birchwood shouted as he burst forth from the crowd. His golden armor polished for the occasion, though he still carried a sword at his side as well as two strapped to his back.

"We, the last of the fighting men of Grandolheim, have been sent by King Morgangard of the kingdom of Grandolheim to slay the foul beast Glaurhurion, winged terror of the Eastern Mountains. Justice must be served, now stand aside."

Ser Berchwood stood steady, arms folded, even as I raised my blade. "I will not allow you to advance any further as long as you mean to do harm to my beloved. You and your men have already interrupted our most joyous ceremony and if a single man proceeds even a step further with ill will toward either my bride or any in our wedding party, I will dispatch them myself."

"What seems to be the matter, my knight?" A voice sang from inside the chapel. I looked from Ser Birchwood to the chapel door to see a maiden dressed in a simple, white gown step out into the sunlight. The world seemed to brighten with her presence. Her long, black hair hung to her waist, mysterious as midnight. Eyes that reflected everything good in this world. A simple white gown dressed her person, for no amount of diamonds or rubies could ever match her elegance. I lowered my sword, embarrassed to even have it out in front of such a fair maiden.

At her feet however, her shadow grew larger and larger. As if a force of evil on its own, it spread out further and further, circling the damsel in a twenty-foot circle or darkness. More than just a mere shadow, it wiggled as if alive, like worms or tentacles, grabbing at the ankles of those caught within it.

I raised my sword again. "Foul beast. How dare you hide your hideous nature behind such a beautiful creature. Show yourself in your true form so I may strike you down!"

The maiden cackled, her smile widening, teeth changing to fangs. "If you wish, though I'd hate to see you shit yourself again." She lifted almost thirty-feet into the air as if picked up my an unseen hand. She grew to the size of a small hut while her skin changed from milky-white flesh to red and black scales. An extra set of arms burst from her sides. Her mouth extended outward, filling with row after row of fangs. Every strand of hair thickened and sharpened to a point until a ridge of spikes ran down her back. Four giant, red, feathery wings grew from her back. A cloud of noxious, black gas swirled around her.

Without warning, an inky-black tendril dripping with sludge shot toward me from the miasma cloud. Before I could react, Ser Birchwood shoved me to the ground with one hand while drawing his broadsword with the other. He whipped the sword through the air, slicing the spike before pressing the tip to my throat.

"There will be no killing on our wedding day!" He roared. He withdrew his sword and helped me to my feet. "Now leave in peace."

I lowered my head. I knew there was no way to win this fight, but there was a matter of honor and justice to uphold. "I'm sorry, but restitution for all of the death and carnage done to Grandolheim must be made."

"Restitution? How much would it cost to settle the debt with your king and his subjects?"

I shook my head. "More gold than a landless knight and a savage beast have, I am sure."

Ser Birchwood placed one hand on my chest and leaned in close so only the two of us could hear. "More gold than perhaps the kingdom of Wrothlington has?" he asked, a slight smile dancing on his lips.

The kingdom of Wrothlington was our neighbor to the south. Its troops were known to sack small villages in our territory, at times burning whole crop fields and murdering entire villages. "There is no way the kingdom of Wrothlington would be willing to help you cover her debt, especially not to us."

He looked back to the monstrosity in the sky as she shot a pillar of fire into the air. Then he turned back to me, his smile even wider now. "Oh, I'm sure if Ser Birchwood, Champion of the Emerald Coast, and Glaurhurion, fiery winged terror of the Eastern Mountains, were to ask ever so politely, I'm sure they'd be more than willing to open up their treasury vaults. I'm sure my wife could even persuade them to stop raiding your borders. Politely as ever, of course."

I looked from his sly smile inches from my face to her demonic form hanging in the air and it all clicked. I smiled, possibly just as wide as Ser Birchwood's smile and clasped his shoulder. I turned to my troops. "Peace my brothers. Restitution has been promised. Let us return." I turned to monster in the air. "And peace to you Glaurhurion. May nothing further interrupt your joyous day."

She transformed once more into the maiden and sauntered back into the chapel, followed closely by the rest of the wedding party. Before Ser Birchwood could turn to go, however, there was just one more issue I needed resolved. "By the way, no hard feelings about killing the troll, right? I hope he wasn't one of your future in-laws or anything."

Ser Birchwood smiled wider than I thought possible before patting me on the shoulder. He motioned to the lifeless troll already rotting in the field. "Her ex-boyfriend. Just showed up right before you and challenged me to a dual. You actually saved me a load of trouble. After all, I gotta save my strength for the honeymoon, if you know what I mean." He gave me a friendly nudge with his elbow and a wink before walking back into the chapel.



This story was inspired by the reddit/writing prompts "You are cordially invited to the wedding of of Ser Birchwood, Champion of the Emerald Coast, and Glaurhurion, fiery winged terror of the Eastern Mountains".... I'm trying to think of something else to write here. Usually I have something to say about the process of writing this story or something like that, but this one was pretty straight forward. I knew how I wanted this one to go when I first read this prompt.  One thing that this has actually inspired is a series of events that typically happen before, during, and after the wedding of a stereotypical hero and monster. I'm not sure if I'll have time, but I've been thinking about writing about Ser Birchwood and Glaurhurion's first date, Ser Birchwood's bachelor party (monster strip club?), the wedding ceremony, etc. Also, I guess I should probably mention that poor excuse for a wedding invitation, well, I copied the invitation by typing "wedding invitations" into a Google image search. I think the site I got it from was invitationsbydawn.com. I think I also did a pretty good job of editing it with just the basic Paint program.

Trapped in Monster Hunter Generations ... demo

I opened my eyes to find myself standing in a circular room. Even more surprising, at least 2 tons of armor strapped itself to my body. Judging from the smell, it was probably made of something that recently had been alive, too. "What the fuck!" I tried to shout, but nothing came out except a short grunt.

A man appeared in front of me (at least I think he was a man, I couldn't tell because of weird mask). He? She? grunted a bunch of times and handed me a series of cards before disappearing.

"Wait, where the hell am I?" I again tried to yell but of course I just grunted again.

"Beat the game," said a voice. "Beat the game and you may leave."

Well, that's not helpful, I thought to myself. I decided to flip through the cards, looking for any information about what the hell was going on here. "Learning about weapons and Hunting Styles." "Advice section of the menu." "Hunt the Great Maccao."

Wait, the Great Maccao? Was this Monster Hunter? I looked around the stone room to see boxes of supplies and racks of weapons. This was Monster Hunter! I drew the long sword from my back and examined it as well as my armor. Weird. I didn't remember crafting any of these. Oh well, that wasn't important. If all I needed to do was defeat this monster to get home then so be it. After all, the Great Maccao was one of the weaker monsters. Plus, since this seemed to be a training mission, it would be even weaker.

Surprisingly, as heavy as the armor appeared, I was still able to move normally. I guess I was in the body of a Hunter as well. After emptying the supply box, I headed into the arena to get this over with.

The arena was huge. Just the scale of it was intimidating. You don't appreciate it when you're just playing the game, but when you're actually inside the thing, well, that's a whole different story. I don't think I'd seen anything in real life that big except for the one time my dad took me to see the Cowboys play. The entire field was covered with dirt, several tiers leading down into the main pit area. Right in the middle of the stadium was my opponent, the Great Maccao. It wandered on its two legs, covered in green and yellow feathers with a red mane. Then it spotted me.

Well, let's get this over with. I ran into the main area and, at the last second, drew the sword off my back. I landed my first slash and felt something grow inside me, an overwhelming feeling of warmth, the spirit of battle. A second slash made it grow even more. I smiled. This must be the spirit gauge associated with the long sword. I slashed once more, but this time it was ready and dodged out of the way.

It swiped me with one of its claws and I fell backward. The armor stopped it from cutting me in half, but I still took the force of the blow. Now, balancing on its tail, the Great Maccao kicked its powerful legs. I managed to roll out of the way of that attack as well as its lunge. Propelling itself with its tail, the creature launched itself 30ft passed me. Maybe this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.

We traded blows like this for a while, each of us attacking and dodging, neither of us with a clear advantage. With another slash, though, I felt like I was going to burst with power. I sprinted away to get some distance. With all this power, I needed to be sure I was going to connect with every hit of this combo.

Finally, at the center of the arena, I pulled the Shock Trap from my supply pack and set it up. I could hear feet pounding behind me just as I finished. The Great Maccao lunged passed me as I rolled out of the way. It landed right as the Shock Trap activated, sending electricity surging throughout its body, paralyzing it. Now was my chance. I drew my sword and, using the energy surging through me, I began a series of spirit slashes. Each slash hit harder and stronger, finishing it with one final slash. Connecting with the final hit caused the blade to glow white.

The Great Maccao broke free from the trap and kicked me in the chest, sending me sliding through the dirt 10ft away. I struggled to my feet, the creature running toward me. It looked like we were both on our last legs now. As it got closer, I noticed a button floating to my right. A Hunting Art? Ahh, this must be Monster Hunter Generations. I pulled my now glowing white sword and hit the button. As if a mysterious hand guided me, I jumped backward, giving myself just enough room to avoid the monster's charge. Quickly, I followed up with 2 quick slashes, the white blade stronger than before, hitting harder and cutting deeper. And with that, the Great Maccao fell.

"Quest Complete" flashed in front of my face.

Time to go home.

I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I was back in the arena waiting area. "What the hell!" I grunted.

"Beat the game and you may leave," the voice said.

"But this is the demo! The real game doesn't even come out until the end of the week!" More grunting.

"Oh well."



So, back to writing. This one was based on the writing prompt from Reddit "Upon waking up , you realize you've been transported into the world of the last video game you played. A voice inside your head tells you to beat the game in order to escape. Unfortunately, the last one you played was..." The action scenes feel a little weak (which isn't good since it's half the piece), but it has been awhile since I've practiced. Plus I don't think a lot of stories go into that much detail with their fight scenes. It's really kind of hard to write an entertaining fight scene, you can't do as much as you could do with film, probably because of the visual aspect. Also, Monster Hunter-Generations just came out today so I'm pretty excited about that. I just need to keep from tweaking on it so I can keep up with my reading as well as all this writing. Also, in case you were wondering, I finished this piece earlier in the week but I waited to post it because I also wanted to show off this

I know I literally just said 2 sentences ago that I was going to try to regulate my playing, but just in case I break that promise, so long life

Yagami River Stories

Several hours ago, I was sitting at the Aiea Public Library (because they close at 8pm on Thursday) trying to remember why it was that I write. Recently, as it happens everytime, I've hit that point where writing just isn't as much fun as it was (probably because I was doing it constantly) and now I'm stuck wondering why it is I'm doing this writing-thing. As you may have noticed (though probably not), I haven't written a story for a couple of weeks. I brought a picture book I used before to help me practice and to even get inspiration for stories. You know, just flip to a random page and start writing about what you see on the page. Because I haven't actually looked through this book for years (it's been sitting in a shoebox under my bed), I started flipping through it, page by page and I came across this one:

Yagami River. Photo credit to Allison

And then I started thinking about how I used to write at that exact spot. How I would try to get out there whenever I felt that I'd been holed up in my room for too long. How quiet and relaxing it was. Mostly, though, about the stories I have associated with it. They say when you've forgotten how you got to where you are the best thing to do is remember where you started. No, that's not real. I think I made that up, but meh. Anyways, here's some stories from Yagami River, the place where I first started to write seriously.

Also, if you were wondering which picture book it was, well, it's the only one I own.

not sure if it's still for sale

I used to go writing down at Yagami River back when I was studying abroad in Japan. Yeah, I could just as easily write in my air-conditioned room but I thought it was still important to not spend the entire day in my room, even if it was just for a couple hours. I would typically take my notebook, a pen, bottle of coke, bag of chips, and a pack of Marlboros and just sit and write stories at the edge of the water. They all sucked back then too so it looks like nothing has really changed.

There was the cat incident. I was sitting at the river like I normally did and a cat started slinking its way toward me. Now, I don't have a very good relationship with cats so I was nervous by how close it was getting. Then it just started rubbing itself against me: my legs, my back, my arms. Petrified, I just sat as still as I could assuming that eventually it would strike and sink its claws into me. Eventually, I realized that this is what it probably does to the old guys who fish in the river so that they give it food. Well, the cat finally got bored and left. But the fun doesn't stop there. On my way back to the dorm, I ran into ... someone, crap I don't remember, anyways whoever it was pointed out that I had orange fur all over me, of course, easily visible on my white t-shirt. But that's not all. As we're dusting the orange fur off, there's these red dots that start moving. Yeah, so now I've got fleas on me. I dusted myself off as best I could before getting into the dorm and then immediately threw all my clothes into the washing machine. Fuck cats. Oh, and whoever that was on the bridge back to the dorm, thanks for the help.

Once, the dorm got busted for launching fireworks. I think at this point we'd been banned from using the dorm lounge after 10pm so that night we went down to the river to hang out. I don't even remember why we bought the fireworks. Either someone knew that the Lawson Hyaku-en sold them or else we just randomly saw them as we were buying beer. Either way, Jon and I were now standing at the check-out counter with a couple cans of beer and close to a dozen 100 yen aerial fireworks and now the clerk was looking at us very suspiciously. I don't remember it all in Japanese, but for the most part the conversation went something like this:

Clerk: "Where?"
Jon: "Yagami River."
C: "You can't use tonight."
J: "Tomorrow"

And then we finished paying and got out of there. Immediately, once we got to the river, we started lighting the fireworks, one at a time, two at a time. These were some quality aerials, especially for just 100 yen (like $1.50 at the time). I want to say we finished by firing off 6 at once. And that's when the police showed up. Luckily no one got arrested or in any serious trouble, at least from what I can remember. I do remember that a couple people who could speak fluent Japanese managed to run off. Also, a couple of fluent Japanese speakers were left to answer some questions while the rest of us just stood around.

It didn't happen at the river, but I did once tell Terry that I had been going down to the river to write. I don't exactly remember what we were talking about or why I brought it up, maybe we were talking about what we had been doing or something. the important thing is that it was probably the first time I told anyone outside of English class that I write stories in my free time. The story I was writing at the time (was crap) was about a world where people would receive mysterious red envelopes in the mail. No one knew where they came from but if you did receive one, it meant you were going to kill someone within the next 24 hours. What I mostly remember from all this was the priceless look of shock on Terry's face. I think when I said that I wrote stories down by the river, he assumed I was actually drawing inspiration from the peace and serenity and that I was writing poems or something like that.

I guess that's it for now. At least that's all the stories I could come up with involving Yagami-Kawa. Did writing any of this get me any closer to getting back into writing stories again? Maybe. Mostly it was just fun going through all those old memories again. But really, just by being fun again is definitely a step in the right direction. Hopefully I'll come up with something else soon.

Podcasts, an advertisement

Do you have 15 to 30 minutes during your day when you aren't using your ears? Of course you do. Perhaps while making dinner or trudging along in rush hour traffic or (if you're as lucky as me) when your job merely requires you to copy stuff from one box to another box. Instead of spending that time listening to someone else's bullshit (spouse, kids, co-workers, friends, etc) why not use it entertaining yourself. You're worth it, after all. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe just recommend these podcasts to the person you usually pour your bullshit on so they don't have to listen to your bullshit. Anyways, just tell the folks around you to fuck off, put on your headphones, and take a listen.

Is this entire thing just going to be one big advertisement for podcasts that I'm listening to on my drive to work or while sitting at my desk? Yep. Am I getting paid for writing this? Nope. Why am I writing this when I should be writing literally anything else? Meh, writer's block mostly. It seemed like a fun way to waste time. The boredom/frustration/all of the things that usually get me to quit writing and retreat back into binge reading and video games are starting to bubble up. Mostly the writer's block thing, though. Anyways, let's get started.

Side note: All of these podcasts can be found on iTunes and as far as I know are free, unless, you know, there's a paragraph somewhere that says Apple is allowed to take my first born or something like that (I don't know, I don't read the user agreement).


Hello from the Magic Tavern (new episodes every Sunday)

This is currently my favorite podcast. The premise is simple: Arnie Niekamp, a regular Joe from Chicago, accidentally falls through a portal and ends up in the magical land of Foon (kind of like Narnia, just ... stranger). He befriends Chunt, a talking shapeshifter in the form of a badger, and Usidore, the blue wizard. Instead of going on quests or doing the typical things anyone usually does when they arrive in a fantasy world, Arnie decides to host a podcast in an effort to teach the people of Earth more about Foon. The three of them host the podcast where they interview different creatures and beings that walk into the Vermilion Minotaur, the tavern from which they broadcast. Some of the more memorable guests include:

1. Spintax the Green: "We're finally getting real magic on this podcast!" Like Usidore, he is also a wizard. Unlike Usidore, he is a competent wizard. Spintax constantly upstages Usidore in magical feats as well as embarrassing him with stories from the time they trained together.
2. Jack Vorpal: "Where do you think swords come from? The sword eggs hatch. They start out as dagger larvae and they grow up and some, when they've been around, they begin to develop magical properties." He is considered Foon's greatest swordsman but decided to hang up his sword and become a baker instead. He talks about slaughtering a pack of Smorps, creatures that stand 4 peaches high and follow their leader, a crimson-clad wizard named Father Smorp.
3. Metamore: "I play a character called Frank Wilson. He's a 15th level HR Generalist, split class, Office Machine/Service Rep." He is apparently always in the tavern with another group of folks who play the game, "Offices and Bosses" (the Foon version of Dungeons and Dragons). He convinces the three hosts to play the game where they must try to survive the office work day. In the game, they encounter enemies such as the Talkative Co-worker and a lower level Boss.
4. Larry Birdman: "A field 2,000 yards long and 9 yards wide. Each team has 31 individuals: A Baskin, 19 Hillsmen, 10 Miscellaneous, and 1 Quarterback. The Baskin needs to take a potted flower across the field for 1 point. But if anyone catches a bird, then it is 700 points." Larry Birdman is the commissioner of the Foon Mittens League, the most popular sport in Foon. He is a former player and has several changes he would like to be made to the game.

The show is hilarious. I usually hate the interview parts of late night talk shows as well, but these are great. The fact that everyone on the show, from the three hosts to whoever is that week's guest are all improv comedians really helps the show flow as well as it does. And basically, the a lot of the show is an improv sketch, at least it seems like it, the jokes come too quickly for it to be scripted. 


The Basement Yard (new episodes every Monday)

Hopefully by now you've heard of Joe Santagato, probably from the popular Youtube videos like Idiots of the Internet or People of Walmart. If not, I would definitely recommend you watch at least all of those videos. I know, it's basically Tosh.0, which is just America's Funniest Home Videos, but I like his sense of humor. However, that is just the videos. The videos are tame when compared to the podcasts.

Typically, it's just him talking to himself, but, in my opinion, the best episodes are those which he's got someone else broadcasting with him, whether that be his brother or other family members, or his friends that drop by. There is a huge range of topics talked about on the podcast such as current events around the world, masturbation, other Youtubers, drinking stories, living life, or just shooting the shit. Every episode is just him expressing his opinion on these topics, whether they annoy him or interest him or he finds them funny, whatever it is, he'll say it and that's what makes the show great. It's basically like listening to a guy (or a couple of guys, depending on who shows up) have a couple of beers and just talk story, which, when you're struggling to get through that last hour of work, may be all you really want to hear.

The coolest part of this podcast: This asshole is doing all of this from his room, IN THE BASEMENT OF HIS FAMILY HOME! Yeah, think about that while you feel like a piece of shit. It's just him sitting in a chair with a microphone in his basement, which is also his room. No studio or producer or switchboard or writer or any of those other things anyone considers "professional". Just him in his basement and people are paying him (currently he is sponsored by "Blue Apron"). If that doesn't inspire you to do something with your life, then I don't know what will.


Shamfiction (new episodes every Saturday)

There's a writing podcast! Ok, in truth, there's actually plenty of them, but this one has an interesting concept. In this podcast, the three hosts (I've yet to care to learn their names) challenge each other to write fan fiction stories, one story a week. The only catch: The person writing the story has not seen or read the movie/tv show/book/comic. Instead the other two co-hosts will tell the third about whatever it is they are going to be writing that week: the characters, the setting, basic plot, etc.The writer will then write a brief story and the other two will score it and provide criticism based on how well the writer used the information provided to him. The two non-writers will also provide the writer with Bonus Points, certain things that he needs to hit to get full points. Previous bonus points for the episodes have included:

1. Deadpool: One X-men character, but not a good one due to budget issues and Best, creative injury sustained by Deadpool.
2. X-Files: Due to budget reasons, the first season was set in Vancouver so wherever the story is set, Vancouver needs to double for it and Best way Scully misses paranormal event and comes up with ridiculous, real-world explanation for it.
3. Bob's Burgers: Must have a burger of the day, and Someone in the family must waste money on something stupid, and Best ratio of most effort Louise puts into her plot for the lowest pay-off.
4. Friends: A good Joey, "How you doin'?" line, and One of the friends must be dating a person played by a '90s star.

And, like most fan fiction, it's best when you know what they are talking about just so you get all the references, but they do such a good job describing the thing they are writing from that it is actually possible to listen to episodes with just a limited knowledge of the storyline. I've yet to encounter a story that I disliked so far. And they've written such a variety of stories that it's impossible that you haven't seen or read at least one of the source materials.


And that's all of them for now. I'm actually listening to a bunch more (having spent hours browsing the iTunes library) but three seems like a good amount to write about for one post. Or at least I care about writing about for now.