So, originally, I was gonna end my New York travel stories with my last day in New York, but it turns out that I've got some free time as the Xbox is currently being used to play Halo instead of allowing me to tweak on Destiny (plus, I've gotten a couple laughs when I tell other people this horrible story so I figure I'd write about it as well).
I guess it was because I did book my trip a little later than I planned and that's why the cheap flight packages all came with 6:45am departure times from New York. I managed to drag myself off the couch at 3:30am or so in time to do some last minute packing before the cab showed up at 4:00am. If you've ever showed up at the airport as early as I did, you know that TSA doesn't start work until... well whenever it is that they're supposed to start work (I had no concept of time at this point being half asleep). I got to stand in line and listen to everyone complain how they were going to miss their flight knowing full well that the plane isn't going to take off if everyone on your flight is stuck at screening. Besides, it's probably not even 5am yet, how do people have the energy to complain already? I barely had energy to stand (I ended up sitting on the floor until the line started moving). Oh, and once again, I bought a bunch of souvenir pens at the airport.
I don't remember taking off, but I do remember landing in Dallas for an hour layover. I mostly remember it because we landed 5 minutes late. Just 5 minutes! And the uproar of the old folks sitting in the back of the plane with me. Honestly, if you can't make your way across an airport in the now 55 minutes, maybe you should've chosen a flight with a longer layover time. So at this point I'm standing in the aisle in the back of the plane waiting for the line in front of me to move while listening to these people say some of the most ridiculous things. Such as:
1. "The seat belts should have a locking mechanism that only the flight attendant can unlock so people without connecting flights will stay in their seats." Well, congratulations old man, you just found a way to kill everyone on the plane in case we crash and the flight attendant can't press the button to unlock everyone's belts so we can escape.
2. "I thought the flight attendant was going to announce to let the people with connecting flights off first? I swear she said she was going to make the announcement. I'll go remind her." And the old lady did. First off, why are you bothering the flight attendant? She just got finished putting up with you for four hours and now you want to bother her one last time? And guess what, the flight attendant did get on the PA and make the announcement. And no one moved. Because we've all just been on a plane for four hours and no one is sitting back down.
And then she did the stupidest thing yet: she grabbed me. Yeah, she grabbed me. Sure, it was a weak, old person grip, but grabbed me nonetheless. I gave her the best glare I could manage though by this time I'd spent so much time drifting in and out of sleep that I wasn't sure if I was still dreaming. Surely, someone couldn't possibly be so rude as to just grab a random stranger on a cramped plane? So, she grabbed me and, instead of her having a heart attack as I quickly prayed (you're dropping the ball again, God), she explained to me that if I didn't have a connecting flight I should sit down. When I told her I was going to Hawaii, she said the worst thing possible - she said she was headed there too! Fuck!
Eventually I finally got off the plane and walked as fast as I could away from the two of them even though we were destined for the same flight. Well, I got on the plane and immediately realized this was not gonna be fun. Next to me was a quiet, middle-aged couple who seemed cool so that was okay. However, in front of me and across the aisle were 4 siblings around the ages of 8-12 years old who decided these next 6 hours would be dedicated to the game "Trap the sibling sitting in the middle seat as they try to go to the bathroom". And behind me, I thought someone was kicking my chair until I realized it was just some kid bumping his head on my chair as he would rather sit on the floor instead of the seat. Oh, and just to complete the ride, the announcement from the captain went something like this: "We'll be taking off soon so anyone who doesn't want to go to Hawaii should depart now." Everyone on the plane chuckles. Well, asshole, maybe I was enjoying my vacation and I don't want to go back home. "Also, appropriately, we'll be showing the film 'Aloha'." Don't you know how much everyone in Hawaii hated that film? Sure, I've never seen it, but when everyone I've talked to hated the movie as well as it being critically bashed in the newspaper as a horrible representation of Hawaii, I'm just gonna assume it was bad. Well, I managed to bury my face in a book and tuned out the rest of the noise with my headphones until we finally landed.
And I ended up seeing the old couple at the baggage claim. I'm not sure if it counts as karma or if it was their innate dementia kicking in, but they couldn't seem to remember what their bags looked like to save their lives. So that provided a good laugh as I watched them struggle to lift suitcase after suitcase only to drop it back on the carousel when they realized it wasn't theirs. Luckily, I travel with just a duffel bag so I picked that right up and got the hell out of there. The End.
