Call Center Stories: Part 1

I guess before I start, I should probably give you some background information as I've tried my best to not mention what I do online. Basically, the company I work for is contracted by the State of Hawaii to conduct evaluations on clients applying for either Physical or Psychiatric disability to qualify for financial disability benefits, or, in other words, welfare money. It's different from Unemployment benefits as these people are claiming that they can't work at all, not that they are temporarily out of work. And, as I've mentioned before, I recently moved positions from the Processing Team (aka data processing) to the Call Center. When you think about it, this means that someone thought, "yeah, we've gotten to know what kind of person Alan is in the 4+ years he's been here and we think he'd be a great person to interact with people who are struggling in life." Luckily, most of my daily interactions are with the State eligibility workers (slightly better) so it's not like my whole day is filled with people whose lives are begging to be accompanied by that one Sarah McLachlan song. But enough about them, you clicked the link to read some funny stories so let's move onto those:

One thing I do on a daily basis is play Pokemon GO at my desk (yes, even while I'm on the phone). A couple weeks ago, a Sudowoodo appeared - a strong one too and I'd yet to catch one. At the same time, a client called to ask about her upcoming appointment. Not a problem, I gave her the appointment day and time as I flung pokeballs, the pokemon breaking out of all of them. She then began to question why she needed to come back in for another evaluation so soon (it's been almost 6 months). As I'm explaining the reason she needs to be re-evaluated just like everyone else who receives Disability Money, I've switched to tossing Greatballs and Ultraballs because the Sudowoodo just won't stay captured. Then she starts asking if she can be rescheduled because of ... reasons I guess, I don't really know as I've also resorted to trying to reason with this stupid tree monster by giving it all my berries as well. Plus, only the State workers are able to reschedule clients (this was explained to me after I spent a month rescheduling clients when they asked if they could be moved just a day or two). So anyways, I'm still tossing ball after ball and the client is getting more and more frustrated and, at this point, had started crying as well, talking about her depression and that she's afraid her benefits will get cut-off and she really needs the money ... and I guess I feel her pain because I'm getting frustrated that this damn pokemon won't stay in the damn ball. Finally, the woman comes to the realization that I can't do any more for her and decides she'll try to contact her Case Worker or else do her best to make the appointment. Just as she hangs up the phone, I came to the realization that the reason I can't catch this pokemon is that the GPS must've glitched and it's probably no where near me and thus there's no way that I can catch this pokemon. Sure enough, I hit "Run" and I'm blocks away and the Sudowoodo is nowhere to be found. Looking back on it, I think we both found a similar, tormented soul on the other end of the phone; both of us finding answers, though maybe not the answers we wanted to hear but the ones we were going to get nonetheless; both of us learning a valuable lesson. Sure, I lost out on catching a pokemon for my game and she could potentially end up homeless, but I think we both felt the same crushing defeat in the problems we faced.

I guess I've also developed a phone voice, which seems to vary widely and changed over time. When I first started, I was mistaken a couple times for being a woman (my only guess is that nerves made me speak in a higher pitch than normal?). Once, when a kid was handing the phone to his dad, I heard him say, "Dad, some lady is on the phone for you." Another time, after leaving a message with a client I said, "Thank you" as I always do and the person on the other line replied, "Oh, you're a guy." I've also been asked, several times, how long I've lived in Hawaii and all of them surprised when I tell them I've lived here all my life. I think someone explained that I had a "mid-western accent" which I'm not sure about. Finally, I think I've received two of the most flattering compliments: First, when finishing up a phone call and the guy on the other end, just before hanging up, said "Oh, you sound so handsome."; Second, after rescheduling a client due to a scheduling error on our part, the Security Guard who was hanging out in the office, remarked "You know, I hear you talk to people and you've got a voice that I couldn't get mad at. I've yelled at some operators before but I don't think I would at you." Which all only goes to show that my best quality is when you can't see me. Side note: I told my brother what the security said and he responded with, "I've been getting mad at the sound of your voice for years."

Even with my apparently awesome phone voice, I do get some problem calls that I feel I'm entitled to some payback. Several times I've gotten State workers who decide to be real assholes: talking faster than I can type, running their words together and not speaking clearly, or just the tone of their voice annoys me. Obviously I can't just go hanging up on these people since my job is to take down the information, but it isn't my job to make it easy. So to get even, I just make them repeat everything they say. And yes, I do mean EVERYTHING: "How do you spell the client's last name again?"; "The last 4 digits of their phone number, what were they again?"; "Could you spell the street name?"; "Did you say the client did or didn't need an interpreter?"; "Sorry, was this a psych or physical appointment I'm scheduling?"; "One more time with the client's last name?" And yes, I realize it's probably just making them more annoyed, but I gotta make sure I got the information correct, right?

When I first started doing calls, the thing that annoyed me most were those voicemails that sound like the person is on the phone with you. You know, the ones that go, "Hey, this is Tom.....Hey how are you doing.....Yeah....Just kidding. Leave a message." I fucking hated those ones. Of course, I still needed to leave the message reminding the client of their appointment. So, instead, I just altered the way I spoke throughout the message - adjusting speed and volume and throwing in some pauses here and there - until my message basically became "[pause for 2-3 seconds] Hithismessageisjusttoremind [pause] JOOOHN SMITHHH [pause] abooout AN APPOINTMENT withDr.Joneson [pause] SaturdayMarchtwentytwo [pause] aaat EIGHTTHIRTYAM. Ifyouhave [pause] ANY QUESTIONS please call us back at (at this point, I would either leave the number really fast, or if I randomly felt like it, I might just hang up)." Is this childish and immature for an almost 30 year old? Maybe, but it makes me feel better so I don't think about it.

So, I kinda realized that I saved up way too many stories to put into one post. Though, honestly, I just don't want to type anymore stories out now so I'll just dump the rest into another post.