Resolutions and other things I'm supposed to know how to do

It's that time of the year again - the time to make promises we never intend to keep. I know the month is already half over but I started with some sort of stomach flu thing right from the start plus I've been tweaking on Black Flag for a couple hours every night, so give me a break. Anyways, let's just get this list over with:

Quite literally how I've been wasting my nights

1. I'm gonna just lump all those "Health" ones into one easily broken resolution and move on from there. Eat healthier. Exercise. Actually go to the doctor when I get sick. Oh, and quit smoking. On a positive note, it has been just over a month - 41 horrible days, actually - since my last cigarette (I cheated and started in December) so maybe it'll actually happen this year. I miss you, sweet, sweet nicotine
2. Write more. I know, I say this every year but I really should be putting those 5 years and my English degree to use in someway besides proofreading my co-workers emails and laughing at the grammatical mistakes of disabled people (no, becoming a better person is not on this year's list)
3. Save more. Especially since I just got the chance to sign up for some 401k plan (I still have no idea how it works). While I plan to die before I get the chance to retire anyway, I figure it's an investment in the extravagant funeral I've always wanted (it's gonna be great!)

Buying a book I could read free online - #3 already broken

Luckily, I've already broken all of those so there's nothing to worry about anymore. Besides, the typical resolutions, I've also seemed to hit a quarter-life epiphany that there are certain things I'm probably supposed to be able to do by now. Things like:

1. Whistling. Yep, still can't do it.

2. Converting months to number form and vice versa. I assume you know what I'm talking about. If the date says 07/04/2001, for example, it's right to my fingers to find out that it means... one, two, three, four, five, six, July. July 4th, 2001.

3. Cutting the nails on my right hand is also pretty difficult. Because, honestly, being right-handed means I don't have to learn how to do things any other way. Thus, in 25 years, while my right hand learned to snap, write, throw, ten-key, and operate a tech-deck, my left hand has barely mastered the art of "grab". Unfortunately, as I've stated, I still need its help for some precision work every once in a while. So, while my other 15 digits are cut to perfection, when it comes to the last 5 nails on my right, the cuts start to get a little shaky. Some too close, some too far, I've even cut myself with the nail clipper more times than I'd like to admit. I would blame it on a lack of training but I seriously think it's just my left's revenge for the neglect.

4. Describing how to cut my hair. Whenever it starts to get long enough to poke me in the eyes, I make my way to a hair-cutting place, plop myself into the chair, tell them "2 inches off the top," and pray they don't ask anymore questions until I've run my hand through the results (because that's how I test if it's short enough). Seriously, beyond that, I have no idea what else I'm supposed to do in that chair except sit still (that was learned the hard way in my younger days). I've heard people go into tremendous detail when talking to the scissors-lady, but maybe that's enough. Nothing terribly bad has happened so far but I'm starting to learn that I can't just skate by with luck anymore.


I figure I should also start practicing my Japanese again and/or start learning Korean because it's gotta be rude to some degree to just stare at those pretty faces and not understand a word they're saying ... or maybe not

Yep, it's looking like another awesome great interesting ... meh, it's another year