So, I've been working in my first office for just over a year and half now. Its the same office from my earlier posts and, no, I'm still not going to explain what it is that I do since I still don't know how to explain what I do without going into some rambling, long-winded tale.
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| however, here is a picture of my desk |
Facial Hair
How do you properly grow facial hair? If you're wondering, this was the thought that inspired this whole post so that's why we're starting with it (I forgot to shave one day and as I scratched at my five-day old stubble, this thought seemed to find me). But seriously, is it even possible to grow a mustache, beard or even just a simple set of mutton chops cleanly? (thanks to my co-worker who found that link through reddit) Not that I've been trying to grow a beard, but rather I've been forgetting to shave every so often causing a stubble on my face. Trust me on this beard thing, my co-worker and I did the whole No-Shave November thing and not only was it as itchy as a john's crotch after a night with a back-alley prostitute (you know, because of the crabs), but, according to my other co-workers, I was starting to look like the Unabomber.
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| clearly, not everyone appreciates the beard |
Anyways, back on topic, is there a way to CLEANLY grow hair on your face? You know, without looking like you just overslept and didn't care about your dishevelment before coming to the office. I mean, obviously the first, and what I assume is the only step, of growing a beard is to not shave. But its not as if you grow that magnificent Galifinakis or Norris beard overnight. No, there's that period when its just a stubble, then it grows darker and more visible and people start taking notice, asking "Oh, are you growing a beard?" or, more commonly (if they're the people I know), "What's up with that shit on your lip?". I guess you could constantly trim the hair, keeping it even and styled as it grows, but that seems like a lot of work and it goes slow. And until it comes into its full form, that overgrown mess on your face just makes you look like a homeless man in a collared shirt (which, while working with the people applying for disability benefits, you do not want to look like one of the clients).
Lunch Places
Ever walk into an eatery of any kind (restaurant, diner, food truck) and, for whatever reason, just walk out without ordering anything? Maybe you don't like the specials that day? or the line is too long? or maybe you just realized a craving for whatever weird stuff you eat is just too strong to resist? (not that the food you eat is weird, though it probably is) There's a multitude of reasons, but the common factor is that you walk out without ordering anything at all. I feel awkward doing this at places I go to just once in a while and even more so when the counter person has acknowledged my existence, already keying up the register for me when I turn and walk out.
Its even worse when its one of the two plate lunch places I eat at during the week because THEY KNOW ME. How well do they know me, you ask. The guys at Island Style know me by name, even writing it on the plate instead of what the order is (which happens everywhere else on the island). They even let me order things not on the menu as long as they have the stuff to make it (chicken katsu curry loco moco, for instance). The lady at the register at Kevin's Drive-Inn II not only knows that once a week I'll be ordering Sweet Sour Pork with Fried Rice, but I like to think that she got it put back on the menu just for me (ok, its always been on the menu, but for two weeks they just didn't have it anytime I tried to order it). Add all this to the fact that I've been frequenting these two places for breakfast and lunch for the past year and a half and you can see that I'm a very familiar face to them now.
But back to what I was talking about (got sidetracked there for a bit). THESE PEOPLE KNOW ME! Is it not weird to walk out of a place you frequent so much that they know the sound of our footsteps? I only ask because about a month ago, I did just that at Island Style (the line was long and I only have a half hour for lunch). And I got caught. I swear I was only by the front door for a second or two but as I'm walking away I hear Mama-san's voice call my name. As I made it into Kevin's, I looked back to see Mama-san (the owner's nice, elderly mom who works the counter) outside the doorway. And she's looking at me. We made eye-contact, so I know she saw me and she knows I saw her see me. And I'm thinking there's going to be some sort of backlash for this betrayal - possibly just one scoop of rice with a double scoop of mac salad in all my plates for a week). Luckily, she thought I left because they ran out of the rib-eye steak so we're all still on good terms.
Its even worse when its one of the two plate lunch places I eat at during the week because THEY KNOW ME. How well do they know me, you ask. The guys at Island Style know me by name, even writing it on the plate instead of what the order is (which happens everywhere else on the island). They even let me order things not on the menu as long as they have the stuff to make it (chicken katsu curry loco moco, for instance). The lady at the register at Kevin's Drive-Inn II not only knows that once a week I'll be ordering Sweet Sour Pork with Fried Rice, but I like to think that she got it put back on the menu just for me (ok, its always been on the menu, but for two weeks they just didn't have it anytime I tried to order it). Add all this to the fact that I've been frequenting these two places for breakfast and lunch for the past year and a half and you can see that I'm a very familiar face to them now.
But back to what I was talking about (got sidetracked there for a bit). THESE PEOPLE KNOW ME! Is it not weird to walk out of a place you frequent so much that they know the sound of our footsteps? I only ask because about a month ago, I did just that at Island Style (the line was long and I only have a half hour for lunch). And I got caught. I swear I was only by the front door for a second or two but as I'm walking away I hear Mama-san's voice call my name. As I made it into Kevin's, I looked back to see Mama-san (the owner's nice, elderly mom who works the counter) outside the doorway. And she's looking at me. We made eye-contact, so I know she saw me and she knows I saw her see me. And I'm thinking there's going to be some sort of backlash for this betrayal - possibly just one scoop of rice with a double scoop of mac salad in all my plates for a week). Luckily, she thought I left because they ran out of the rib-eye steak so we're all still on good terms.
Restroom Etiquette
Before we start with that, watch this:
Basically, its all the rules one need to follow when using the restroom. You would think that with these rules in place, nothing could possibly go wrong. And you would be wrong. With the amount of people using the restroom on our floor, there's going to be some interaction. I don't know about you, but I like to have as few interactions with others, not only within the walls of the restroom, but on my way to and from as well.
On this topic, I may be able to offer some advice and tips to avoiding awkward interactions - by avoiding interactions altogether. No, you don't understand. No interactions at all. If I see anyone in the office disappear with a key, I'll hold back the flow not only until he gets back, but roughly three minutes and twenty-seven seconds after that time just to avoid interacting with the smell he may or may not have left behind. If a male (or possibly deep-voiced female, hey, I can't see through the walls of the clinic) asks the nurse for the key, I'll wait until I hear the sound of the client returning the bathroom key before heading to the toilet (trust me, its hard to miss the sound of a two-liter bottle with a key zip-tied to it falling on a wooden desk).
When I've become properly situated in the stall of my choosing (they took out the one urinal so now there's just the two stalls), I take care of business at my own pace depending on my mood and how quickly I want to get back to my desk (and also whether I'm just bleeding the lizard or dropping the kids at the pool). And should a new challenger to the porcelain throne arrive before I get out, I also plot my escape accordingly. If I'm done hiding in the stall and avoiding work (it used to work great at the auto shop), I'll try to time my exit just as he enters the other stall. Sometimes, I'll wait him out and stay seated until he leaves. If we somehow manage to finish at the same time, I'll take my time until he leaves: doing the double flush, spend an extra minute or two adjusting my belt, or even pretend to wipe down the seat (because I'm as courteous as I am a horrible shot).
Why all the hostility? As I pointed out, I'd like to avoid interacting with anyone at any point of my bathroom usage procedural but, by placing yourself in such a proximity to myself it interferes with that voice telling me its rude not to make small talk. Think about it: we're both in the restroom, one of us is washing his hands at the only sink - soup, water, more soap - while the other just stands behind him, waiting, unsure as to what that single brown speck on his hand is (I swear it was there before I got into the restroom). Its almost expected for one of us to make some crude poop joke, but that would violate the Restroom Code and I'd expect the CIA or launch a drone offensive on my position just for breaking it.
Nothing, however, is more awkward a situation than meeting the eyes of someone who just got out of the bathroom. I'll be at one end of the hallway, or perhaps coming out of the office and someone will exit the restroom at the other end of the hall. And its not like I'm just staring at the restroom door to see if anyone comes out, its just that I've got an attention span like my dog, who will look whenever she hears a door open, as if its a surprise to see someone coming out of it. I see you coming out of the restroom, and I know you see me see you coming out, but its not like either of us want to talk about what the fuck you may or may not have been doing in there, or, worse, what I'm about to do in there (its exactly what you're thinking if you wanted to know).
And the worse part - its the WOMEN'S restroom that's right there
As you can see from my crude diagram that is the set-up on the our floor of the building. Also, speaking of crude drawings, Hyperbole and a Half is back (thus all of my horrible Paint drawings). If you don't know, at least check out my favorite post so far. So, now, if one of my female co-workers, one of the other women in the other office, or one of the female clients walks out of the restroom not quite prepared for an audience and is still adjusting some article of clothing, while simultaneously my ears hear a door and my eyes trace the source of the noise and out eyes lock and now I'm the one reporting for Saturday morning sexual harassment classes (this is a joke, I have no idea if the classes are always on Saturday). On this I am at a complete loss of what to do to avoid this situation. I mean, the obvious response is to not look, but curiosity and my poor attention span tell me this is impossible.
Wow, did you actually read all that? No shit. I am thoroughly impressed. Well, thanks for putting up with that. And just for you, here's something actually entertaining. There's more videos, but this is my favorite so far:
Also, before we're completely off the topic of work, I'd thought I'd let you all know my iPod may be sentient since it has decided, completely on its own, that it is required to play the following songs at least once a day even when on full shuffle. I'm not kidding. I've noticed it playing those songs with what seems like more frequency than anything else (or else I'm just noticing these songs more than the others and there is really nothing to worry about).
On this topic, I may be able to offer some advice and tips to avoiding awkward interactions - by avoiding interactions altogether. No, you don't understand. No interactions at all. If I see anyone in the office disappear with a key, I'll hold back the flow not only until he gets back, but roughly three minutes and twenty-seven seconds after that time just to avoid interacting with the smell he may or may not have left behind. If a male (or possibly deep-voiced female, hey, I can't see through the walls of the clinic) asks the nurse for the key, I'll wait until I hear the sound of the client returning the bathroom key before heading to the toilet (trust me, its hard to miss the sound of a two-liter bottle with a key zip-tied to it falling on a wooden desk).
When I've become properly situated in the stall of my choosing (they took out the one urinal so now there's just the two stalls), I take care of business at my own pace depending on my mood and how quickly I want to get back to my desk (and also whether I'm just bleeding the lizard or dropping the kids at the pool). And should a new challenger to the porcelain throne arrive before I get out, I also plot my escape accordingly. If I'm done hiding in the stall and avoiding work (it used to work great at the auto shop), I'll try to time my exit just as he enters the other stall. Sometimes, I'll wait him out and stay seated until he leaves. If we somehow manage to finish at the same time, I'll take my time until he leaves: doing the double flush, spend an extra minute or two adjusting my belt, or even pretend to wipe down the seat (because I'm as courteous as I am a horrible shot).
Why all the hostility? As I pointed out, I'd like to avoid interacting with anyone at any point of my bathroom usage procedural but, by placing yourself in such a proximity to myself it interferes with that voice telling me its rude not to make small talk. Think about it: we're both in the restroom, one of us is washing his hands at the only sink - soup, water, more soap - while the other just stands behind him, waiting, unsure as to what that single brown speck on his hand is (I swear it was there before I got into the restroom). Its almost expected for one of us to make some crude poop joke, but that would violate the Restroom Code and I'd expect the CIA or launch a drone offensive on my position just for breaking it.
Nothing, however, is more awkward a situation than meeting the eyes of someone who just got out of the bathroom. I'll be at one end of the hallway, or perhaps coming out of the office and someone will exit the restroom at the other end of the hall. And its not like I'm just staring at the restroom door to see if anyone comes out, its just that I've got an attention span like my dog, who will look whenever she hears a door open, as if its a surprise to see someone coming out of it. I see you coming out of the restroom, and I know you see me see you coming out, but its not like either of us want to talk about what the fuck you may or may not have been doing in there, or, worse, what I'm about to do in there (its exactly what you're thinking if you wanted to know).
And the worse part - its the WOMEN'S restroom that's right there
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| literally, its right there in the hallway |
Wow, did you actually read all that? No shit. I am thoroughly impressed. Well, thanks for putting up with that. And just for you, here's something actually entertaining. There's more videos, but this is my favorite so far:
Also, before we're completely off the topic of work, I'd thought I'd let you all know my iPod may be sentient since it has decided, completely on its own, that it is required to play the following songs at least once a day even when on full shuffle. I'm not kidding. I've noticed it playing those songs with what seems like more frequency than anything else (or else I'm just noticing these songs more than the others and there is really nothing to worry about).
- Berlin - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
- Handlebars - Flobots
- Dolls - 9Muses
- Bulletproof Heart - My Chemical Romance
- This Elegant Suit I've Been Wearing - Lemon Party
- Queens are Trumps - Scandal
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