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| The restroom at work |
Usually I would never do this just because it feels awkward to be loitering in the restroom even if I do work in the building. I'd rather walk around the hallways for a couple minutes or even just go back to my desk than hang out in the restroom. After all, one of the qualities that I believe makes me an adult is that I don't shit myself anymore. I don't know what it was about this time, but I walked into the restroom, saw the stall door closed, and instead of just thinking, "Well, I'll come back," I thought, "Well, maybe he'll be out soon," and decided to wait. So I waited.
And how did this work out? Well, first as I'm now standing against the wall on the right, I need a way to occupy my time as well as to subtly remind the guy in the stall that there's someone waiting without seeming like an impatient asshole. And yes, I despise those guys that bang on the door. You see the door is closed, obviously there's someone in there. So I whip out my phone and start reading some stories (I've been on reddit/r/writingprompts and SCP Foundation recently) all while giving the screen a tap just so it'll let out a beep every so often just so that he knows there's someone still in here. But then another guy walks in. Fortunately, instead of queuing up behind me for the stall, he heads for the urinal. And as I continue to hold my phone up to my face and read, I now realize if urinal guy turns around, the smile on my face (it was a good part of the story) is gonna look extremely pervy as my phone is currently pointed right at him. I lower my phone so I'm looking at the floor and continue to read.
Eventually, the other guy gets out of the stall and now the awkwardest two seconds of my day truly begins. As he gets out and I move to go inside, our eyes meet and he knows that I'm judging him based on the rancid stench that he's been filling the restroom with these past five minutes that I've been waiting and I know that he can read the look of dread on my face as I mentally prepare myself to occupy the porcelain throne he's just vacated. At the same time, I can read the look on his face telling me I'm an asshole for even waiting around in the restroom because obviously no one likes being greeted by someone in their face after dropping a deuce and thus everything that goes wrong in his life from this point on is my fault. And then we switch places, and that's the end of the story.
Now, why did I tell you that story? No idea. Really, it just seemed like something fun to write about. Honestly, I'm not sure why this story, or anything else that follows is important enough to write about, or even why I decided to write about this in the first place. Obviously, I could work on that never-ending, ever-changing, heartbreaking project I've been calling "The Sovereignty". Plus, according to my notebook I take everywhere, it's not like I've got a lack of potential story ideas and yet somehow as I was standing there, I decided these would somehow be something entertaining to write about
Well, anyways, let's continue on with this shit show
A couple months ago, as I'm releasing the mud sharks into the wild, some guy comes into the restroom, takes a piss, and leaves ... turning off the light as he goes. So now, it's pitch black in the restroom and I'm debating whether or not I can make it from the stall to the light switch by the door and back to the stall with my pants around my ankles before anyone else comes in. I know I can navigate it in the dark which is good since my phone doesn't have a flashlight app and the screen doesn't get that bright. Luckily, I've been using this restroom for two years now, so trust me, I've memorized the layout. "What the fuck am I doing?!" I thought to myself and I just called my co-worker to come and turn the light back on. So now I'm sitting in the dark, waiting for my co-worker to turn on the light. Except it's kind of a long walk and it'll take some time. Just enough time for the following string of paranoid thoughts: Hey, what if the guy didn't leave and is just waiting inside the restroom for me to pants-less-ly exit the stall. No, that's crazy (as I listen for the slightest noise). I don't know why you're worried about one man, doesn't this building have a rat problem. Yeah, and I'm currently sitting in a dark room, my bare ass planted firmly above the strongest smell in the room as well as a potential watering hole for the creatures. And now I'm imagining the scene from "Pitch Black" where the guy sprays rum into the flame and sees all the monsters encircling him and then the fire goes out. Yeah, that scene, except mine is filled with rats. Luckily, by then, my co-worker flipped on the lights and I finish dropping the kids off at the pool.
I guess this would also be the time to thank my dad for teaching me basic toilet anatomy as I must've "fixed" that toilet in the restroom about a dozen times already. And by "fixed" I mean that I reattached the chain which connects the lever to the flapper. And yes, I do consider it to be a fix as the guy who used the toilet before me didn't seem to know why the toilet wasn't flushing, at least judging by the contents of the bowl. And I've fixed it almost every way possible without actually needing to buy a new set of parts: reattaching the pin to the lever, reattaching the chain to the pin, even reattaching the chain to the pin and the pin to lever (as if someone went out of their way to dismantle the entire inside of the toilet tank).
Our clients have also changed the restroom culture in the building since we moved in. I swear, none of these rules existed before we moved into the building.
Every other office on our floor now has this sign or some variation of it on their door. Yeah, apparently our clients were disturbing every other office so much that they needed to put up signs to keep them out.
Apparently this is also an issue as the maintenance crew has already had to unclog the drains a couple of times. We also have a sign in our office requesting that clients refrain from 1) Shaving 2) Showering and 3) Laundering in the restroom. Plus, there's the unwritten rule of "No fucking in the restroom" which needed to be explained to two of our clients.
I can't believe I wrote an entire post on restroom issues. And I can't believe you read the entire post. I really need to start writing actual stories again
